Fel's Musings

I hate talking on the phone. You know how most people fear public speaking more than death? I’d rather die than talk on the phone. I’ve only talked to a handful of people for longer than a few minutes. And, yes, they were all women I was interested in (and, no, they weren’t interested in me.). So, growing up, I’d avoid picking up the phone whenever possible. But sometimes you’re the only one home and you just gotta because it could be that cute chick you were interested in who you gave your number to a few months back and she’s finally calling because we all know the rules, you wait a few weeks before getting back to a guy so you don’t feel desperate (At least, that’s what I was told.). Me: Hello? Her: Who is this?! Me: Felipe. Who is speaking? Her: I’m looking for my daughter. Me: And you thought she would be at my house? You clearly don’t know me. Her: What are you doing in her house?! Me: I think you dialed the wrong number. Her: No, I dialed 2282! Me: You misdiale...

Facebook: Hey Felly! I've got a new ad for you! Me: Facebook, all I want to do is look at memes and make fun of people. I'll leave the thinking about my future to my parents. Facebook: I know but you should really plan for your future and we've got just the guy. Adrian Ross Duncan. Me: Who? Facebook: A famous astrologer. Using your sign of a Scorpio, he'll predict the best plan of action for you to have a successful future. Me: ಠ_ಠ Facebook:....It's not an Me: Exact science, I know. Try to bring me something with actual science next time.

Facebook: Hey Fel, we think you'll be interested in this ad. It's a company where you can buy "Catholic First Communion". Me:....Is that a thing? Facebook: Everything is a thing as long as money can be made. Me: What makes you think I'm Catholic, Facebook? Facebook: Well, you mention molestation in one of your past posts and we thought "You know who molests people? Priests. Fel must be Catholic!..... Me:..... Facebook: It's not an exact science. Me: Clearly.

I don't know why but I read molestation as Mole Station. You know, moles need stations. How else would they know where they're going? They're all underground, there are no landmarks to use for guidance.

The Boy Scouts of America . Growing up a Male Mormon in Utah you were pretty much required by law to participate. Being the indoorsy nerdy loner than I am, this is a prison sentence. It’s jail for people like me, only you don’t have to commit a crime to get put into it. Being black, I’m used to being punished for no reason. For the most part, participating in Boy Scouts was easy. It usually involved showing up at church once a week and the materials for whatever the merit badge you were working on at the time would be there, instructions were more or less easy to follow, so you’d do the work and then you’d be let go at the end of your sentence. Again, it’s like prison. But then came the Pinewood Derby. For those who don’t know it’s essentially a downhill race using a wooden car that you made yourself. At least, that’s the spirit of the derby. In reality we’re all young adolescence so, just like your first science project, this is less something you worked on and more something th...

Ready for another dream adventure? This one’s a doozy. This time I had to get to a wedding. My buddy Fife (why is he showing up in my dreams so often.) was getting married to some random plain yogurt white chick from Utah . She had a cabin up in the mountains and that’s where the reception was at. So I’m assuming he married for money and she married for whiteness but I never got a chance to ask. Like an idiot, I decided to walk this. I’m not sure what kind of retardation dream Fel was going through or if he was being blackmailed but walking up to the mountains is something no one does in Utah. And that says a lot because Utah people go rock climbing, sky diving and have sex with foliage like poison ivy. Boy, I won’t forget my first (and last) invite to have sex with poison ivy. I thought they were talking about someone cosplaying as the Batman villain and I have a thing for colored hair so I was there. But, nope, Utah people have to be weird. Now the question you have to ask...

People tell me to follow my dreams but that's actually a really bad suggestion. For example, last night I had a dream that I was adopted by a family of alligators (or crocodiles, I can't tell the difference they all look the same to me). I kept telling them how much better they were than my old family because I was afraid they'd eat me. The 2nd dream was more normal but ended in disaster. Fife and I were at a potluck and we were leaving but our car got stolen so we had to get it replaced by the insurance company but Fife had crappy insurance so our replacement was a freight truck. Me: Do you know how to drive this? Fife : Nah but I've played Microsoft Flight Sim, how much harder can this be? And, like an idiot, I got in. Needless to say, Fife ended up pulling a Thelma and Louise and driving us off a cliff (which was remarkable close to the potluck. We survived but now we were even further away from home, now with a cliff between us and people. Fife : In my...

So, I had a dream. That's rare, I hardly ever dream because I remember what happened to the last Black guy who had a dream and my life goal is to not get shot. In the dream, I went back in time about 20 years, back to 1998. I was a pre-teen then. How do you convince your parents that you're from the future? I tried my best. Honestly. Lets just say that my current vernacular is not something that child me can say without getting into trouble. "I can prove I'm from the future. Um, did Bill Clinton get a blow job from Monica Lewinsky yet?" That got me a slap. What can I say? I couldn't think of anything aside from "Dad, if you only listen to me once in your entire life, then listen to this. Put whatever money you have into Google and Apple. Trust me." “You can't put negative money into anything, son." My dad then told me. It's nice to know Dream Dad is as funny as Real Dad. So now what do I do? Do I warn people about 9/11? Wh...

Do you ever do something so stupid that you start to question your sanity? I got up to turn off the light only to get to the switch and notice it was already off. The light I wanted off was the sun.