Dream: Reception

Ready for another dream adventure? This one’s a doozy.

This time I had to get to a wedding. My buddy Fife (why is he showing up in my dreams so often.) was getting married to some random plain yogurt white chick from Utah. She had a cabin up in the mountains and that’s where the reception was at. So I’m assuming he married for money and she married for whiteness but I never got a chance to ask.

Like an idiot, I decided to walk this. I’m not sure what kind of retardation dream Fel was going through or if he was being blackmailed but walking up to the mountains is something no one does in Utah. And that says a lot because Utah people go rock climbing, sky diving and have sex with foliage like poison ivy. Boy, I won’t forget my first (and last) invite to have sex with poison ivy. I thought they were talking about someone cosplaying as the Batman villain and I have a thing for colored hair so I was there. But, nope, Utah people have to be weird. Now the question you have to ask yourself is this: Is Fel talking about a dream he’s never mentioned or did this really happen? The world may never know.

So off I went and the first obstacle I came to were Pokemon Go players who stood in the way between me and an overpass (in the wilderness oddly enough). They were trying to catch ghost pokemon and they could only be caught up high above in this particular place which is really dark for my dream. Seriously brain, what the crap? The person ahead of me in line decided to make some chit chat while we were waiting for the people in front of us to hurry up and cross.

“We’re taking turns catching. I caught a Ghastly but I really want a Haunter but I heard someone got a Gengar here so, if I’m lucky, I can find him.”

“I’m sorry I gave you the impression I cared.” I replied.

“You’re fine. So what pokemon do you have?”

“None.”

“What? Is your phone full or something? Delete stuff and download Pokemon Go.”

“My phone doesn’t have anything on it besides audio files. And texts and call logs. Or they would if anyone texted or called.”

“….Are you here to jump off? Don’t do it, man. You have so much to live for. Think of your wife!”

“I don’t have one.”

“You’re not married? At your age? You know what, go ahead and cut in line. Maybe your death will make a Gengar show up.”

Moving on. The next….remarkable (Sure, lets go with that) thing I came across was a…naturist? I’m not sure. All I know is that the man wore shorts and nothing else and the woman wore….ugh..well, normal clothes but she carried around a long balloon that she was pretending was a penis. Is this something Utah people do? And people wonder why I never go outside. Thankfully I could just walk past these two.

Thankfully I was almost at the reception area and regretting the life I was given. Like a game, the final boss was lurking just around the corner. The last guy I came across was….I don’t want to say a KKK member because there was no hood. But he did decide I needed to die just by looking at me. Now, it’s possible that this guy just killed everyone he came cross no matter what but, considering this is Utah, I’ve found that race is more often than not the reason for my suffering. Also, he had a pet and I wish it were a dog. It was a dinosaur. I wish I could say I outsmarted these two but really they just kind of disappeared after chasing me for a bit. So maybe I just came across a crazy cultist who got mad that a dark dude trespassed onto their holy land. This is Utah so it wouldn’t be out of the norm.

And I finally got there. Reception time and I was set to gorge myself on anything and everything.

“Fel, you’re just in time!” I was greeted by a person I didn’t recognize.

“Food time!”

“All gone.” God, why have you forsaken me? “But right now Fife and his team are battling Donald Trump Jr. in a golf match. They’re on the 18^th hole and whoever wins becomes president!”

Sure. Why not? Not the weirdest thing that has happened in this dream. So I headed over to the 18^th hole where I caught just the last bit of it. Kenny G (Yes, that Kenny G) was putting.

“If he can land this in a single go, Fife’s team win. 2 they tie and 3 they lose.” My guide told me while eating some fried chicken.

“Um, where can I get some chicken.”

“…All gone…”

-_-. Well, back to Kenny G who, at this point didn’t nail his first putt. I was still furious at missing the fried chicken because I really like fried chicken. Serious, did no one think to save some for the black guy? It’s only common courtesy.

“He made it in 2 shots!”

“Huh?”

“That means there’s a tie.”

“And we order more chicken?”

“No. It means we go to the tie-breaker round?”

“And then chicken?!”

“No more chicken, Fel.”

>(

“So, if Fife wins the tie-breaker he becomes President of the United States?”

“Yeah, exciting isn’t it?”

“Not the first word that came to mind.”

Someone walked around asking if we wanted to put money down on predicting the winner and I never pass up a chance to get some free money so I bet $100 on the obvious winner just as Fife walked over to greet me.

“So glad you could make it.”

“I’m not gonna miss one of my best bud’s wedding.” I replied.

“So you hear that I might be president? Can you imagine?”

“You know, this would not be the strangest thing that happened to me today.”

“Did you walk here?”

“Yes.”

“I hear there’s some crazy cultists out there in the wilderness, some hard core Brighamites, so they’re not down with the brown.”

“Thanks for warning me ahead of time.”

“Anyway, I gotta go nail this last challenge. Wish me luck.”

“I have total confidence in you, Fife.” I said, completely neglecting to tell him I just put $100 on Trump.

The last challenge was design a ring for your fiancé. Anyone can buy a ring but only the most dedicated of men will design a ring for their loved ones. I thought this was going to be easy money in the bank because I don’t recall Fife being artistically blessed but a minute into the challenge Donald Trump Jr. suffered a seizure so his design looked like a bunch of scribbles. Fife, by virtue of just having finished a ring, won. Anti-climatic but America is saved so who cares. A happy ending for everyone, except me because I never got some chicken. Seriously, what the fuck guys?! Was one piece too much to save? That’s all I ask f….two pieces. Two pieces is all I ask for.

The reception ended soon after which meant I wasted my time, having suffered so much just to make it here. Thankfully, I scored a ride home. They were a nice family, or so I assumed because they were wearing church clothes. I was going back to Hawaii and the family was kind enough to give me a ride to California with them, where I would catch my plane. All that was left for me to do was to put on my headphones and enjoy the 10 hour long journey there.
            “Fel, I hope you don’t mind but while we drive around in this car, we like to listen to scripture. We feel that, since we’re just sitting around doing nothing, we might as well learn the word of the lord.”

ಠ_ಠ

“Great. Let’s see where we left off…oh we’re on Isaiah. I love his uniqueness.”

Oh sweet Jesus, take me now. And, sure enough, he did. Like being killed in a horrific scene, I woke up, completely spared of the trip. Isn’t God Great?