Peanut Butter Addiction

 

So, after writing about nothing last time, more people are worried about me. Again. It never ends. This time it was about that “peanut butter addiction” I mentioned. That’s what I get for not being able to keep my mouth shut. Actually, since all this is in writing, my mouth was shut. Ironically, if I could keep it like that, I wouldn’t be addicted in the first place. But I want some sympathy points so I’m going to explain how this happened.

 

You know how sometimes, you solve a problem but accidentally create another one. Like, the toilet isn’t filling up with water so you try to plumb it yourself but accidentally end up flooding the bathroom. Well, at least the toilet has water in it now. Good job. Anyway, my problem was that I like Nature Valley Granola Bars. You know, the crumbly ones where you bite into it and it ends up on the ground and not in your mouth. Yeah, the exact opposite place of where a snack is supposed to go. But I love the stuff so I guess I’m stuck with the snack that gives me a chore to do afterwards. Their peanut butter ones are my favorite. But sometimes there’s no peanut butter. No, I don’t mean I accidentally bought a normal one. Contrary to popular belief, I do know how to read. The wrapper said “Peanut Butter”. And maybe there was, I didn’t have an electron microscope to double check, but as far as my eyes saw, there was none. “That’s ok” I thought. “I graduated college. I can solve this problem.” So I went to the cabinet and grabbed some peanut butter. I lathered on a nice thin layer of the stuff and ate it.

Well, over time I kept adding more and more peanut butter. And now I’m adding so much of the stuff it should technically be called Peanut Butter with a hint of Nature Valley Granola. But I can’t stop. It’s just too good. I know I should get help for this, but where do I go? There’s no Peanut Butter Anonymous! Do I just go to an Alcoholic’s Anonymous meeting and just substitute the word “peanut butter” whenever they mention alcohol or drinking? I can’t imagine that going too well.

 

            “Uh, hi. Yeah, I don’t actually have a drinking problem.”

            “Denial. It’s ok to admit it. We don’t judge here.”

            “No, I mean I literally don’t. It’s just water.”

            “Yes, alcohol is mostly water, we know.”

            “No, I mean I only drink water. That’s it. There’s no alcohol in me. Unless that alcohol is in peanut butter.”

            “Oh! You’re the one I was warned about. Yeah, there’s free Peanut Butter Cookies in the back. I was told to keep you away from them.”

“Oh great. Thanks a lot for tempting me. You can bring that but if I brought in a 6 pack people would call me a jerk. I mean, they probably already do but for a different reason. Seriously, you lose 1 kid while baby-sitting and all the sudden the police are involved. I still kept the other 3 kids safe. 3 out of 4 ain’t bad. That’s 75% and in school, that’s a passing grade.”

 

I think I’ll deal with my peanut butter addiction by myself in silence. It’s for the best.

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