Fel's Musings

  Have you ever done a virtual visit with your doctor? It sounds fancy, like something you’d hear out of a sci-fi movie but reality, ever keen on being disappointing, it’s just facetiming. Or a video visit. Essentially, they send you a text when your doctor is ready for you. Or that’s what they should do. I signed in and they put me in a virtual waiting room. Imagine being on hold only worse because there’s no music and you’re staring at a screen that says “Virtual Waiting Room” in black text on a white background. I studied politics so I’m naturally the last person you’d come to for advice on art and aesthetics but why? At the very least put on some Hall and Oates to give you that genuine “Put on Hold” feel to it. I don’t even get why we need to be on hold.   You’d think once the video visit got started I’d jump right in to my doctor visit right? Well, you should know by now that if I’m involved the answer is always “wrong.” In addition to the waiting room, they also ha...

  So, after writing about nothing last time, more people are worried about me. Again. It never ends. This time it was about that “peanut butter addiction” I mentioned. That’s what I get for not being able to keep my mouth shut. Actually, since all this is in writing, my mouth was shut. Ironically, if I could keep it like that, I wouldn’t be addicted in the first place. But I want some sympathy points so I’m going to explain how this happened.   You know how sometimes, you solve a problem but accidentally create another one. Like, the toilet isn’t filling up with water so you try to plumb it yourself but accidentally end up flooding the bathroom. Well, at least the toilet has water in it now. Good job. Anyway, my problem was that I like Nature Valley Granola Bars. You know, the crumbly ones where you bite into it and it ends up on the ground and not in your mouth. Yeah, the exact opposite place of where a snack is supposed to go. But I love the stuff so I guess I’m stuck ...

  You know when your friends are worried about you; they’ll criticize you by saying stuff like: “you’re too focused on fame and fortune”, “you’re lazy” and “I think you’re addicted to peanut butter.”? Well, I guess I’m back to being lazy because I’m now getting homework to do. You’d think just surviving would be enough. Isn’t it great that I’m still alive? “Pfft. No!” It’s almost like they’re disappointed I’m alive.    Anyway, the homework I was given is to write each day. Write about what? “Whatever.” Oh, that doesn’t sound too hard. I mean, it’s like asking someone to shoot a video about whatever. It sounds easy but now you’re just sitting there wondering what to do. My friend Idaho Jake gave me this assignment. If you’re wondering why I call him that it’s because there’s more than one, so I have to. Otherwise, I’ll look crazy (or crazier than usual). One moment I’ll be saying how Jacob doesn’t have any kids and the next I’ll mention how Jacob has 3 of them. That’...

  Oh man, you would have loved today. Ok, so Conspiracy is out there in the living/dining room area. He’s not happy today. I don’t know why. I just want to do my stretches. I sit down and he starts. He hates people who vote for Democrats. That’s why California is the way it is. And then they leave and go to Texas to vote Democrats there. I ask how he knows the people leaving are Democrats.             “Statistics. Just look at that and that’ll tell you.” How do statistics tell you who voted?             “I have information. They have to be Democrats.” They could be Republicans, like yourself, who didn’t like what California is doing and left. Whereas the people who stay are the ones ok with the politics.             “Look at Texas! So many more people voting for Democrats. They HAVE to be from California.” ...

  Do you have a pet peeve that just gets to you even though it shouldn’t? I kind of have a few too many of these. People announcing and insisting you alter plans at a moment’s notice despite the fact that they could’ve given you time to prepare, that’s a big one of mine. But the one I want to focus on today is pronouns. I’ve noticed this on quite a few dating profiles. “If you have pronouns, then I’m swiping left.”…Now, obviously, they’re not here to swipe left on everyone (Or maybe they are. I don’t know their lives). So it only goes to reason that they don’t know everyone has pronouns. I mean, they used two in that sentence alone, You and I. So….what do they think a pronoun is? I’d ask but that requires being matched with people and you already know that I don’t get matches. Obviously, they’re trying to say “If you’re liberal, I don’t want to date you” but a much better way of saying that is “swipe in the direction of your politics.” A right swipe means you’re interested in som...

 “My America First credit card went to collections.” Oh boy. Conspiracy’s in trouble. Those credit card rates are going to get hiked. I'm not sure what he has but my guess is probably near 20% APR. “Oh, I was just working on my General Conference talk.” Is he…no. Does he think he’ll be going up there to talk? When has a regular person ever done that? It’s always people in the organization, right? Or did something change since I’ve left? “I’m gonna speak in General Conference. I’m going to speak in front of 8 billion people.” So..guess that answers our previous question. 8 billion people. I get that this dude is bad with numbers and probability but why does he think literally everyone is tuning in? “I have angels around me. To protect me. I believe I was the arch angel Michael.” That’s a new one. You know, for someone who is protected by angels, he sure gets scammed a lot. Guess the angels were on break for those. “I’ve already destroyed the Democrat party. I’m the one that helped T...

  “Felipe, we need to talk.”   We really don’t, Advertisers.   “It’s about your kids and their wellbeing.”   My what? ”Here’s an app for you. It’s a co-parenting app. We make communicating between you and your former spouse or baby mama/papa easy!”   I honestly don’t know where you got this impression of me. Who do you think is going to marry me here in Utah? Not to mention, also have kids? That’s two major mistakes you’re asking women to make, on top of the minor mistake she would have to make to go out with me in the first place. Though, good on you for assuming that whoever did would obviously want to divorce me. That tracks. But why would I need a communication app? I already can communicate with my phone. That’s literally what the device is for.   “But this is an app. You download it on your smart phone. So you can message and also plan ahead and keep track of activities your precious child has.”   So, a calendar? Somet...