Virtual Waiting Room

 

Have you ever done a virtual visit with your doctor? It sounds fancy, like something you’d hear out of a sci-fi movie but reality, ever keen on being disappointing, it’s just facetiming. Or a video visit. Essentially, they send you a text when your doctor is ready for you. Or that’s what they should do. I signed in and they put me in a virtual waiting room. Imagine being on hold only worse because there’s no music and you’re staring at a screen that says “Virtual Waiting Room” in black text on a white background. I studied politics so I’m naturally the last person you’d come to for advice on art and aesthetics but why? At the very least put on some Hall and Oates to give you that genuine “Put on Hold” feel to it. I don’t even get why we need to be on hold.

 

You’d think once the video visit got started I’d jump right in to my doctor visit right? Well, you should know by now that if I’m involved the answer is always “wrong.” In addition to the waiting room, they also had me waiting in the doctor office. I guess it’s better than the waiting room; I got to stare at a wall with blurry pictures. But, again, why? Why not just tell me when the doctor is in and have me join then? It’s a virtual visit done by phone. We’re all married to our phone these days. More than married even. We get divorced from people and move on with our lives but our phones, that commitment, is literally “till death do us part” these days. What autistic genius thought that if we were going to have virtual visits with doctors that we should include the worst aspects of the doctor’s office as well? If you’re wondering how long I was waiting for, well, imagine how long it takes me to write all this. Because that’s what I did. Yeah, I’m waiting right now as I write this. Obviously things will be done by the time I post. If anything, I’m struggling to continue writing while I wait. I hope the doctor shows up soon because I’m done. I guess I could just end things right now but then the wait will be longer than what I wrote for and that would make me a bit of a liar and we can’t have that. “We can’t?” Well, I can’t have that. I’m sure other people will be just fine with it. “I always assumed you were lying. You mean to tell me all those dating stories were real?” Yep. I’m not even sure if I would call them dating stories. Dating implies they showed up, right? Stood up stories doesn’t have the same ring to it though. If I was creative I’d come up with a better name for it. “So the pronouns stuff was real too, that wasn’t a joke?” Why would I joke about something that dumb? I saw another profile the other day. She said “if you use pronouns, swipe left.” …you…Ok, assuming she isn’t an imbecile, then what is she asking for? A guy who always refers to himself in the 3rd person? Or maybe she considers herself the Pronoun Queen and thinks you can only speak a certain number of pronouns a day and she wants to hoard them all to herself. That’s selfish of her. I think the kindest interpretation of her would have to be that she’s an idiot. At what point did we abandon reason for madness?

 

The worst part about waiting is that sometimes you hear noises and think it’s the doctor but no, they just like to mess with you. Boo. I don’t even have any magazines to read while I wait. Oh well. Oh, if you’re thinking “Well, at least the virtual visit will be on time.” Guess again. I said they were giving you the authentic experience and they meant it, complete with wait times. Even when I’m the first visit of the day I find myself waiting. I shouldn’t complain. I mean, it’s not like I’d be doing something important otherwise. I just like to complain. You could give me perfection in paradise and I’d still find a way to criticize things. That’s my super power. Criminals would turn themselves, gladly trading freedom for life behind bars, far away from me. Oh good the doctor showed up. I was rambling…well, I always do but more than usual.

 

P.S.

 

I just realized I shouldn’t keep you in the dark in regards to what the doctor said. That would be rude. I’m fine. Yeah, spent 45 minutes just to be told everything is hunky-dory. If we were paying by the minute I’d say they were trying to squeeze every penny out of me. I’m sure some of you are disappointed. Just know I’m sort of as well. I mean, almost an hour with the doctor you almost expect there to be something wrong with you, right? If there was nothing wrong they could’ve just let me know in a minute. Or send a text. I’m not particular. Thumbs up emoji means I’m good, middle finger emoji means I should start working on that will. I did get a little on edge though. The assistant was logged into the doctor’s computer and it had their name at the bottom of the screen. Their last name was Serpico. I was worried Al Pacino was going to show. When they bring out the Hollywood talent, that’s when you know it’s serious.

            “Hey, little guy the doctor asked me to talk to you…wait, you’re not a child.”

            “No, I just act like one.”

            “Well, I’m here because your doctor wanted me to just say a few words to you. When I was your age, actually younger than you, I had a Pomeranian pupper. And, guess what, you get to say hello to my little friend.”

            “Oh cool! But wouldn’t your dog be dead by…..oh….”

 

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

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