Because I’m Proud to be an American


Have I ever told you about the time I had to write an essay about why I was proud to be a U.S. citizen? Yes? Well, it’s a good story to retell regardless.

 

Back in the days of elementary school, we’re talking 90s era so imagine internet so slow, it makes a sloth seem like Usain Bolt, there was a writing contest that our school….district (?) was having. I’m not entirely sure on the specifics of the contest but who cares? Sue me. (Ed. I’ve been informed by my lawyer to not advise nor encourage people to sue me). The title of the contest was “Why I’m Proud to be an American”. Essentially, write an essay about how awesome and grateful you were to be born in America (as if we had a choice in the matter). There was a cash prize for whichever elementary school student wrote the best essay. The only requirement aside from being in elementary school was that you had to be a U.S. citizen to enter.

 

My English teacher, patriot that she was, thought it was a fantastic idea for all us little potato spuds to write and enter. It was a required project for us. In her defense, this was rural Rexburg Idaho. They didn’t get many brownies like me. That’s fine. I can hardly blame her for being proud of her country. After she let us go to start our rough drafts, I approached her desk and informed her that, despite how articulate, cultured and intelligent I was (Ed. Debatable), that I was not, in fact, American. She was shocked. I mean I just acted so American. I guess that’s another thing us immigrants are better at than Americans.

“Oh well. You can still write the essay. I just won’t submit it.” That was her solution. You, Non-American, write an essay about why you’re so proud to be an American. It’s such a typical American answer to a problem, isn’t it? Just pretend to be American. I guess I could let you write about being proud to be Brazilian but that would be nationalism, not patriotism. And that’s bad.

 

Pretending to be American is nothing new for me. Growing up in conservative Utah and Idaho, you sing patriotic songs in school because being proud of where you were randomly born is a source of pride to people who have little to brag about. Obviously, I participated. Singing a song is easy. I didn’t have to create any emotional phrases or moving pieces of music. The words are written out, just sing (well, I don’t really sing as I’m monotone but in a crowd of children you couldn’t tell). However, writing an essay why I’m proud to be something I’m not, that’s a lot more difficult. I would’ve had an easier time writing an essay about why I’m proud to be White. At least that would’ve been half true. But being from the United States? Not even a fraction of a percent. What do I say? Do I pretend to be an American? Imagine myself not as I am but how I would’ve been had I been born here? Are my parents the same or am I in a typical American family? Why not just excuse me from it? It’s not like this writing assignment is required by the school district. This isn’t something done to prep us for an upcoming test. It’s merely an interesting idea that the teacher assumed the kids would have fun writing about what it was about this country they loved (since we, as elementary school students, had so much globe-trotting experience to compare America to other countries to). It’s the textbook definition of unnecessary.

 

Why are we having young grade school children, I was only 12 years old at the time, write about such a topic anyway? It’s not like we’re world-weary travelers, returning home and reminiscing about how blessed we are to live in such a country, considering all the other options out there. We’re barely conscious of the world outside of our own state, much less the country. What do they expect us to say? Besides parrot what our parents have told us (in my case, it would be nothing). At the time we were all too consumed with PlayStation and Pokemon to care. And those are Japanese products, so they can’t even be put in the essay! I guess we could say we’re glad to live in a place that allows us to buy products from Japan. People in Korea weren’t so fortunate at the time. So the next time you’re thinking about America and Americans and wonder why the hell some of them are just so damn proud, just know that they probably went to a school that required them to write about how they’re proud to be something that didn’t require an ounce of effort or talent to achieve. That just being born in a particular geographical area of the planet is good enough. And that’s something you’ll definitely have to pretend to be proud of.

 

So, despite the fact that I wasn’t an American, I still had to write the essay. My teacher said she wouldn’t submit it which she didn’t. Smart. Can you imagine if she did and I won? Clearly that rule was put in place because they didn’t want to award the prize to an immigrant. It’s bad enough they’re already stealing American Jobs, achieving the American Dream and, how can we forget, besting Americans in their own spelling bees (A contest that yours truly has won before, back in 3rd grade but that’s a boring story so it won’t be told). Actually, when you think about it, what could be more American than an immigrant winning such a contest?

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