Conspiracy Rantings #18

It’s been a while since Conspiracy went off on one of his rants. Or maybe I’ve just been to busy with moving that I didn’t notice. Anyway, more of the same.

 

“I’ve been sent here by God. Donald Trump and I are going to fix things. I’m very good at fixing things. I can fix things.”

 

Well, I’m convinced.

 

“I’ve done crowd control before. I’m very good at crowd control. I’m very good at getting people’s eyes open, to see things.”

 

That’s not what crowd control is. Nor is he great at convincing people of anything. I’ve lived with him for 4 years now and not once has he been in any way compelling in an argument.

 

“Democrats stop lying. You know where liars to? To Hell. And that’s where you’re going Democrats. Straight to Hell. Stop lying!”

 

If they’re already going to Hell, why would they stop? If the ticket is punched, might as well make the most of it, right?

 

“That’s the problem with Democrats. They can’t stop lying. Like AOC. She acts like she knows everything. ‘I’m a former bartender so I know things. Teehee.’ So annoying!”

 

I don’t think that’s how AOC talks. And if we’re throwing shade at people for thinking they know everything when they don’t, it’s kind of odd to champion Trump at the same time, no? Especially since Trump seems to think he knows everything. I honestly don’t get this fascination with Trump but hatred of people for being obnoxious for how smart they are. How are you not pulled in two different directions with this train of thought?

 

 

He starts talking about Mark Robinson, the current GOP nominee for governor in North Carolina.

 

“My ancestors invented golf. I have blood relations to 44+ presidents. Royalty. I’m a very important person. I have saved us from 3 nuclear Armageddon’s. I have Putin on the ropes. He was about to strike us again. I saved us. Again. Feel free to call me. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. I have a lot of African friends. I have great respect for the African community and would love to talk to you about a possible position in the cabinetry of Donald John Trump.”

 

Yes, this dude is just randomly giving out his number. Probably not surprising that he gets scammed constantly. And yeah, he used the “have a lot of African friends.”. If you're wondering if it's true, it depends on your definition of friends. I know there's one that he buys stuff for. Kind of like a Chase situation, only way less severe. So, yes, he has A black friend. Not plural.

 

“We’ve got poll watchers. You’re not going to be able to pull your stunt off again. We’re watching that spooky Jew, George Soros. He won’t be flipping votes on machines.”

 

You know, for as conspiratorial as he is, I don’t think Conspiracy has ever delved into anti-Semitism before. Or, at least, I haven’t heard any until now.

 

“These people always try to paint Trump as someone who hates Americans. Let me tell you, Donald John Trump loves each and every American.”

 

How does he say this with a straight face? Trump is famous for attacking people for the slightest of inconveniences.

 

 

“Democrats are the party of anti-religion, of atheism. If you’re a Christian, you cannot vote for Democrats. You cannot contradict what I say. Because I’m an agent of god."

 

This is how religions get started. Just a random crazy talking and people take it way too seriously. Especially considering the guy Conspiracy has attached himself to is the personification of everything Jesus stood against.

 

"And Democrats want to twist and turn your words against you. I can do that to them. AOC, you’re a buffoon, a pig, a garbage lady. Get a grip. You act like a raging bulldog without any wings. I control how much you drink. Pop a red bull”

 

What? Bulldogs already don’t have wings. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

 

“AOC thinks she’s so smart. But she doesn’t understand a damn thing about what’s going on. I do.”

 

Speaking of people who overestimate their intelligence.

 

Now he’s talking about putting New York City in play. And he thinks Alvin Bragg is an Attorney General. He’s not, he’s just a District Attorney.

 

“Donald Trump does not need to show up to that court. I will send in Delta Force. This is a stern warning. Democrats, do not step out of line. Do not talk shit. Because I will send Force after you. Have a nice day. Bye.”

 

Well, at least he hopes they have a nice day. Very polite ending to a threatening message.

 

“So stop lying!”

 

Guess I spoke too soon.

 

“Because lying, as a Congressman, is a violation of the Oath of Office. That’s 50 years of imprisonment. So get ready for jail. You too, ice-cream boy. Chocolate chip scoop fat ass. You’re going to jail too.”

 

I have no idea what he’s talking about. I was thinking Joe Biden, since he likes ice-cream but he doesn’t have a fat ass. Trump does but I doubt Conspiracy wants him in jail. Or maybe he does but only after he gets the VP slot first. Yeah, he still thinks that he’s getting the nod on the ticket.

 

P.S. His buddy Chase called.

 

"You know why God holds things back? Because you get angry."

 

In that case, considering how much anger he and Trump have, they are in for a rough 1000 years. 

"Age is just a number."

I definitely do not want to know anything about this. I do know Chase is about a decade older than Conspiracy. So a dude in his 50s talking to a dude in his 40s. I just hope whoever they're pining over is legal. And if any of those women are reading this, stay away from guys like this. They're just a parade of red flags, you'd think you were attending some communist celebration.