Another Uber Adventure

I hope you’re ready for more Uber Adventures. If you think these updates are getting old, I know how you feel. I got a ride from the oldest American alive today. Things started off brilliantly.
            “I’m here.” My driver called me.
            “You sure? I’m outside and no one is here.”
            “I’m sure.”
I check the map and see that he’s on the opposite side of the street and down a ways.
            “You drove a bit too far. My house is the green one on the other side of the street. If you do a U-Turn and drive a bit, you’ll see me outside.”
            “Ok.”
So I look down our empty street and see him do a U-Turn and stop. Did the car stall? I wait a bit longer. Longer still. He calls again.
            “Are you ready?”
            “Yeah. I’m outside.”
            “Where?”
            “You see that person in front of you a bit, the fat guy in a red shirt.”
            “Oh!”  He drives further up a bit, stops in front of me and I get in. “Sorry. Your house is green. When you said green, I thought you were talking about the grass.”
Whaaaa? Forget it. I’m in the car. Let’s just go. It wasn’t long before the old man started making small talk.
            “The weatherman said it would rain last night but it looks like he was wrong. Just can’t trust the news these days, can we?” My driver says while driving on a clearly wet road. I laugh uneasily, not sure if he was joking for if he really can’t tell that the road is wet.
            “So, you’re heading to the hospital?” He asks me.
            “Close to it. It’s the Insta-Care building. I’m heading to physical therapy.”
            “You don’t have anyone to take you?”
            “Well, I guess I could ask a favor of my brother or a friend but I like to get up early and exercise in the morning and I don’t want to bother someone with asking them to take me somewhere at 7 in the morning when I’m perfectly capable of calling Uber myself.”
            “If I was going to urgent care, I wouldn’t have an Uber driver take me in.”
            “Neither would I. For something like that, I’d want family next to me.”
            “But I’m taking you in now.”
            “To physical therapy. In the Insta-Care building.”
            “OH! Well, why didn’t you say so? I thought I was taking you to the emergency room.”

My mind does what it normally does and starts imagining the weirdest possible scenarios. Like how this guy is the Alzheimer Assassin. Someone who kills his targets and then promptly forgets he’s done it. He wants to Make America Great Again by killing illegal aliens, which he interprets to mean all brown people because he’s channeling the spirit of an irate Brigham Young. And since this is Utah he’d get away with it because, well, will anyone really care? I mean if I die I bet the saddest reaction I’ll get is someone saying “That’s a shame. Guess we’ll have to look elsewhere for our funny photos.”

            “The map is telling me to turn at the light.” He remarks, as we near our destination.
            “Yeah, turn at the light and the hospital is just up the road.”
            “Normally I turn at the previous light for the hospital.”
So…he turns a light early, drives up, makes a left, drives further down, makes another left and then drives some more instead of just making a simple right turn? I get that Utah people tend not to be the brightest, especially the older folks because knowledge is Satanic or whatever but god damn this is some retarded driving here. And, as I’m thinking this, the driver just kept right on driving past the light.
            “Um, we missed our turn.” I told him.
            “We did? I didn’t know we were supposed to turn at the light.”
YOU! JUST! SAID! HOW! YOU! HAD! TO! TURN! AT! THE! LIGHT! I wish, from the bottom of my heart, I was making this up because I don’t want to think about how people like him are driving around Utah. But they are. I have never given anyone below a 4 with Uber but this guy got 1 star. He shouldn’t be driving people around with Uber. He shouldn’t be driving at all. He needs help. I know I say that about a lot of people in this state and I'm not saying that I was being hyperbolic past times, I'm just saying that this guy deserves to be at the top of the list. Get everyone in Utah some help, this guy first among them.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spooky Story

Image
It’s the month of October. Which means it’s the season of scary stuff. Hauntings, Death and, worst of all, politics (if you screamed, that was probably your neighbor finally snapping from all the advertisements they’ve been getting informing them that a politician’s political opponent ate babies and didn’t even have the common courtesy of saying grace beforehand. The horror!). I’m going to focus on the first two topics talking about death and a possible haunting because I have an interesting* story to tell (*interesting by my standards which, in case you haven’t noticed, are quite low.). Something tragic happened in October and I deal with events like that the same way I deal with anything else in life, writing about it once or twice then going back to looking at memes and cute animal pictures because-AWW, who’s a good doggo. Heckin yes, you are! Sorry. Tragic time. A friend of mine, who I used to do youtube videos with, has taken their own life. I’m sure most of you are expressing...
Read more

I might have a slight problem.

Image
  Me: So, back on September 20th, I weighed in at 165 when I got on the scale for a check up at the doctor. I bought a scale to keep track of it at home. This scale says I'm at 200. Either this scale is iffy or I gained 35 pounds in about two weeks. Cory : That can happen when you eat countless spoonfuls of peanut butter Voice inside my head:
Read more

Dating App Reply

  I asked her how her Halloween was and if she did anything fun. She replied: it was fun. Not sure what “it” she did that was fun but at least she had some.   If you’re asking “Why did you ask her how her Halloween was in December?” there’s a good answer to your question. I didn’t. I asked how her Halloween was in November, specifically November 1 st . It just took her a month to get back to me. 3 words took her 30 days to write. And I thought I was a lazy writer. “She sounds awful. What did you see in this person that made you swipe right on them?” Well, she said she loved to talk and would not shut up. So I figured she’d be fun to talk to. Yeah, that was it. “Was she cute?” I dunno, maybe? I did notice that she never smiled in any of her pics, and she only shared face shots so the fact that she thinks these are her best aspects really says a lot about the quality of people on these apps. “But you’re on those apps.” Yeah, I know. We’re all well aware of my many faults an...
Read more