Lazy Housemate

Are you depressed? Do you think you have little to no worth? Well, Fel is here to tell you that, however bad you may be, you do have worth. You give more to the world than some other people, like my housemate for example.

Our landlady came to surprise visit. I’m not sure how someone older than time itself caught me off guard without pants but she did (Calm down, “without pants” means I was wearing shorts, you weirdo. No shirt though, so she saw how white I was). You see, we have weekly cleaning checks or at least we’re supposed to. We haven’t had one for the entirety of November. I just figured the landlady was busy playing chess against Death for her life or something. But nope.

                    “Have you seen Jared?” She asked me. “I haven’t been able to get a hold of him all month.”

Jared, for those who aren’t familiar with my housemates, it’s the unemployed tattoo guy. If I’m ever complaining about Utah women willing to date pieces of shit and yet not me, he’s the shit I’m referring to. This guy hasn’t had a job in half a decade and probably longer than that. I’ve been here for years and he hasn’t ever stepped outside the house for anything other than groceries or a date. He did disappear for 3 months one time, he went to go live with his girlfriend for a bit, until she kicked him out for…well, lets save the juicy details for a bit later.

                    “Sorry. I haven’t seen him.” I lie. I just saw this guy 5 minutes ago while I was making a smoothie to cure my sickness. I could rat him out but he can hear me in his room, where he’s at.

                    “Maybe he went down to St George. I knocked on his door and I didn’t get an answer. It’s his turn for a cleaning check and we haven’t been able to reach him all month.”

I’m going to describe what a cleaning check is, so you know what this man in his late 30s is hiding from. You clean your bedroom the bathroom you use; you vacuum the living room and walkways and clean the kitchen a bit. Also, you sweep the stairs because leaves are always trying to trip me up over there. That’s it. Spring cleaning, this is not. It’s a bit annoying but it can be done in an hour or two, assuming you’re a healthy male and you don’t make much of a mess.

Yeah, not too much, right? That’s how lazy this guy is.  He has no job. He gets government checks and has his mommy buy him groceries. He doesn’t take care any of his 4 kids, 2 with his wife and 2 from his baby-mama. This little cleaning is the extent of the work he does in an entire month and he’s hiding from even that. Sure, he claims to be disabled but there’s nothing wrong with him, aside from allergies and health issues, but it’s nothing visible, he’s not me.  I have no what Utah women see in him. Surely there’s something weird about a guy who is over 40 with no money. The only thing he has is being white and delightsome.

So take heart. Whatever your faults you may have, whatever sins may weigh on your mind, you have worth. Because you can’t possibly be as bad as this guy. Hang in there, baby. You matter to me.