Mo Uber Mo Problems

I hope you’re ready for more Uber Stories (That is, stories about Uber Trips, not stories that are “uber”. My lawyer says I have to say this to avoid being sued for sub-uber events). So, I’m at Macey’s. I got dropped off and I’m doing my usual shopping. Things were pretty routine except for the fact that the lunch I ate kind of made me sick. Maybe I’m too used to healthy foods so my stomach felt off with some creamy alfredo. But whatever. I finish my shopping and I order an uber. It was a 6 minute wait. Awesome. He’s just down the street a ways. I step outside into the cold, just so my driver could see where I was. I stood there and watched my driver come down State Street. And he continued to go down State Street, passed the first entrance. You know what, fine. Maybe he wanted to take a turn at the light. Not the optimal way to get to Macey’s but still sufficient. He takes a left at the light and drives down a bit before doing a u-turn and driving into the parking lot.

Normally this is where the driver would come up to Macey’s and pick me up. Every once in a while, they’ll think I’m at Starbucks but soon they’ll give me a ring and sort everything out. You know this isn’t what happened because otherwise I wouldn’t be here writing. This driver doesn’t like easy or normal. He drove up the parking lot on the opposite end of the entrance then turned around and drove right back out the same way he came in. Odd but this is Utah. Odd is normal, which is why Utahns don’t like me (at least that’s what I tell myself as I cry to sleep every night). He goes back down to State Street and turns. But not up towards Macey’s, instead going in the opposite direction. Again, this guy doesn’t like doing the sensible thing. He drives for a bit before turning around and coming back up. I get it; he wants to drive around to make the trip more expensive.

I could only wish that were true. He turns again at the light and this time parks his car on the opposite side of the street from Macey’s. He sits there for a while before canceling. I guess finding Macey’s was a bit too difficult for Homero. I mean, it is a bit difficult to see, what with the giant letters on the building that spell out MACEY’S. Uber tells me to call another ride because my driver canceled. So I did. I got picked up almost immediately. My driver’s name is Homero. If that sounds familiar, it’s the same name you just read a few lines ago. I don’t know why he accepted again. If he wanted to give it another shot, all he needed to do was not cancel. But whatever.

Homero drives down the street a bit before doing a u-turn, coming around back towards the direction of Macey’s. He turns at State Street, but in the right direction this time. He drives up and, again, right passed the entrance to Macey’s. He keeps going before realizing his mistake and turning in at the next entrance. Ok, we’re making a bit of progress. This entrance let to Arby’s, which is in the back of Macey’s. All he had to do was drive around to the front and we’d be set. Like my love life, this wasn’t going to be that simple (though my driver clearly is). He sat there at Arby’s. I’m not sure if he was confused and just wanted to gather his thoughts or stopped for a bite to eat. All I’m saying is that he had enough time to do either. He drives to the back to Macey’s. It’s where they do the loading and unloading. Obviously, no customers are coming out of there. He drives up, comes back around and turns towards the front. Yes. Sweet baby Jesus finally! He drives up the side of Macey’s and gets to the front. He does a u-turn and goes back around to the back of Macey’s. And there he would remain until he decided to call me.

Homero: Hello? Felipe?

Me: Hi. I’m at the front of Macey’s.

Homero: Do you speak Spanish?

Me:…No.

Homero: I’m at back of Macey’s.

Me: Ok, we’ll I’m at the front.

Homero: Back?

Me: No, the front.

Homero: Back of Macey’s?

Me: No, I’m at the front of Macey’s.

Homero: I’m at the back of Macey’s.

Me: I know. I’m at the front of Macey’s.

Homero: Where are you?

Me: I’m. At. The. Front. (yeah, saying it slower isn’t going to work the world of Utah has long said Bye to logic.)

Homero: I’m at the back.

Me: You need to drive around to the front.

Homero: Back of Macey’s.

Me: I know. You’re at the back. I’m at the front. It’s the other side of Macey’s.


I know what you’re thinking. “Fel, you inconsiderate asshole. This driver is clearly trying his best. It’s probably his first day on the job and he’s having trouble with directions to where you are. You need to have some sympathy. This is why no one loves you.” And, you know what, I would give him some sympathy, I really would, if not for one small, tiny fact. He was the driver that dropped me off. Yes. Homero was the driver that dropped me off at Macey’s (and it was the front of Macey’s) not but 15 minutes earlier. He had trouble finding the front of a place he was just at. Not only that, but he had trouble finding the front when his GPS, that all uber drivers have, pointed him in the right direction. I remember. I was looking at it. Because, oddly enough, he kept asking me directions when the app right there in front of him was telling him the way. And by “telling” I don’t mean just visually. The GPS kept saying the directions aloud.

IN SPANISH! That’s how incompetent this driver is. He doesn’t belong behind the wheel. He doesn’t even belong being alive. Even in the world of Star Trek, with near limitless resources, this guy would still be a waste of human space. He is such a detriment to the human race that if Trump deports him (I don’t care if Homero is legal), I will gladly vote for him in 2020.