Cuddle Comfort
In my endless quest for a companion, one of my friends (who
shall remain nameless because I’m sure she’d prefer it that way) recommended a
site for me. As you can tell by the title (or skipped the title because reading
is for losers…though, if that’s the case, how and why are you reading this?)
the site is called Cuddle Comfort. The basic premise behind the site is to get
people together to cuddle and watch movies or shows. Super simple stuff. And,
hey, if there’s one thing I like to do is lie on my side while eating a fry. So
why not connected with women who are into the same thing?
From what I saw, the site was pretty new. There were only a
handful of women on the site. Well, let’s use that to my advantage. Few women
probably means there’s few guys so I sent a message out to everyone near me, in
an effort to get to know them and see if we shared common interests. Then I
logged off the site and went on with my life.
And on with my life I did go. The site slowly faded from memory since I never got a reply from the half dozen messages I sent out. Evidently people desperate for a cuddle would rather go cold than be with me. That was back in 2014. It took 3 and a half years but I finally, FINALLY, got a message. I’m guessing it was one of those mass emails since she didn’t call me by name and merely stated that if I was free, she was available. You know what, let’s roll the dice. Avengers came out a month ago and my last date bailed on me. I can use a cuddle buddy to go see it. I replied back and asked if she was interested in seeing it with me.
”Yes J” Alright. I got a yes. Contrary to what people may think, I do get a fair amount of “yes” for dates. What can I say, women just can’t say no to me. Showing up to the date they agreed to, that is a different matter. Cuddle Comfort put an alert in my inbox. The person I was talking to was a “professional” and by messaging them I agreed to the “Client Service Agreement”. A professional cuddler? What the hell is that?
I clicked on the link provided so I could further investigate what I’m getting myself into. All plans must be made on the Cuddle Comfort. If you cancel a date with less than 24 hours until the time agreed on for the date, you’ll be on the hook for half of the agreed payment. (If I charged my past dates for bailing on me, I’d be on the Forbes 400.) So cuddling costs money? That’s a very Utah-y kind of business. The date I agreed to was going to cost me. And my date was expensive. Keep in mind, there’s no photo on her profile. And she’s charging $80 an hour. Considering the runtime of Avengers, the date would run me around $250 when everything was said and done. Maybe this is how things are done inUtah
I asked about the date, wondering if the 80/hr is what she was charging me. “Yeah. I am a professional, after all” A professional. I don’t remember Professional Cuddler being a major at any colleges I looked into. But, in her defense, for all I know it could be one at BYU. Women talk about getting their M.R.S. degree at college. Maybe Cuddler is an associate, something you get on your way. Keep in mind that the site even admits that they have no way of determining if a woman who claims to be a “professional” actually is (how the fuck would they? There’s no such thing!). She said if that was too expensive I could call or text her and we could find another activity to do together.
And on with my life I did go. The site slowly faded from memory since I never got a reply from the half dozen messages I sent out. Evidently people desperate for a cuddle would rather go cold than be with me. That was back in 2014. It took 3 and a half years but I finally, FINALLY, got a message. I’m guessing it was one of those mass emails since she didn’t call me by name and merely stated that if I was free, she was available. You know what, let’s roll the dice. Avengers came out a month ago and my last date bailed on me. I can use a cuddle buddy to go see it. I replied back and asked if she was interested in seeing it with me.
”Yes J” Alright. I got a yes. Contrary to what people may think, I do get a fair amount of “yes” for dates. What can I say, women just can’t say no to me. Showing up to the date they agreed to, that is a different matter. Cuddle Comfort put an alert in my inbox. The person I was talking to was a “professional” and by messaging them I agreed to the “Client Service Agreement”. A professional cuddler? What the hell is that?
I clicked on the link provided so I could further investigate what I’m getting myself into. All plans must be made on the Cuddle Comfort. If you cancel a date with less than 24 hours until the time agreed on for the date, you’ll be on the hook for half of the agreed payment. (If I charged my past dates for bailing on me, I’d be on the Forbes 400.) So cuddling costs money? That’s a very Utah-y kind of business. The date I agreed to was going to cost me. And my date was expensive. Keep in mind, there’s no photo on her profile. And she’s charging $80 an hour. Considering the runtime of Avengers, the date would run me around $250 when everything was said and done. Maybe this is how things are done in
I asked about the date, wondering if the 80/hr is what she was charging me. “Yeah. I am a professional, after all” A professional. I don’t remember Professional Cuddler being a major at any colleges I looked into. But, in her defense, for all I know it could be one at BYU. Women talk about getting their M.R.S. degree at college. Maybe Cuddler is an associate, something you get on your way. Keep in mind that the site even admits that they have no way of determining if a woman who claims to be a “professional” actually is (how the fuck would they? There’s no such thing!). She said if that was too expensive I could call or text her and we could find another activity to do together.
OH. MY. GOD. I’m talking to a hooker. Professional my ass.
This is a prostitute. I checked a few of the other profiles. Not too many but
all buy one were “professionals” and charging about the same rates. My friend
had me sign up for a site that connects people for sex under the pretext of
cuddles. Is this what my friend wanted? Probably. I declined to contact her by
phone. After all, the rules state that all plans must be made on Cuddle
Comfort. She insisted but I was adamant about sticking to the rules. “Fine”.
That’s woman-eze for “go fuck yourself, because I certainly won’t”. Sure
enough, the next message she sent me said that she was no longer interested in
me, because I was too far away (So….you sent me this message because…?) and
that was the end of it.
Maybe this was a sign. There was one other person on the site who didn’t charge anything for cuddles. I contacted her, asked if she was interested in a date and she said “Sure”. So it looks like this wasn’t a total bust. I’ll let you know how the date goes at the end of the week.
End of the Week: It didn’t go. “Sure” was all I got out of her. At least she was kind enough to bail on me before we made plans so I saved time by not bothering to show up. That’s that famousUtah
Maybe this was a sign. There was one other person on the site who didn’t charge anything for cuddles. I contacted her, asked if she was interested in a date and she said “Sure”. So it looks like this wasn’t a total bust. I’ll let you know how the date goes at the end of the week.
End of the Week: It didn’t go. “Sure” was all I got out of her. At least she was kind enough to bail on me before we made plans so I saved time by not bothering to show up. That’s that famous
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