Time’s Up: The Craziest Month I’ve Ever Had

I’ve often told my closest friends that, for someone who hardly ever goes out (or even leaves my room, now that I think about it.), I certainly do have a lot of interesting stories. Crazy is just magnetically attracted to me. I can’t explain it. And the past month has certainly been one of my craziest. It started with one of my closest friends killing himself and it ended with this:

Yeah, pretty crazy. While not the first threat on my life, it is the first time I got one through email. Who knows how I’ll get my next one. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Flashback to the beginning of October. I was at a loss for words. I found out that my friend had committed suicide. I couldn’t believe it. And I didn't at first. Even seeing the funeral invite made me think this was all a horrible joke being played to punk close friends for a TV show. A horrible thought, for sure, but I'd prefer a bad joke to a terrible truth. But after attending the funeral and seeing how it wasn't. This. Was. Real. I reached out to friends for comfort.  It helped, but it also hurt. Some friends were legitimately comforting. A warm blanket for the soul. But others were less so. One of my texts got replied with a “Who’s this?” That hurt. As did the non-reply I got after it. Another tried to set me up with a date to cheer me up. But, despite her saying she was up to the task, wasn't interested once I reached out to her. The blanket I got was just too small, it didn't cover what I needed, as though parts of me were still left exposed to the desolate cold. 

So you can imagine how I reacted when I get a message from someone saying they were interested in me. She said she found my email on a dating site. I’m not sure which one but I’m sure I still have profiles floating around out there on sites I’ve long forgotten after not getting any replies to messages. Besides, this was exactly what I needed. Things progressed smoothly. She was a hairdresser from New Mexico. I would wake up to “Good Morning” messages. Her asking me how my day was. She let me cry on her shoulder (well, virtually but still). I’ve never had someone romantically care about me like that. I know some of you are thinking “Duh, Fel, that’s what love is!” but I’ve never really had that. For my entire love life, there was always something wrong with me that needed to be changed, like the size of my bank account or the color of my skin. In a year where I was rejected for all kinds of reason, for not being Mormon enough, for being selfish self-centered, for not being giving and caring, this was exactly what the doctor prescribed.

But, like any medication prescribed, the effects don’t last forever. And boy does withdrawal effects hit you. “Babe, I need money.” My heart sank. Is this what she wanted all along? Should I open my wallet or call her out on it? Even while debating this in my head I could hear my rejecter chastising me in the back of my mind. “See? This is why I rejected you. You’re so selfish! Can’t even open your wallet to a person in need.”

So I asked what the money was for. “To pay for my sick grandmother’s medication and to buy some clothes to sell to Wal-Mart.” Oh, ok….wait, what? I asked for clarification on that last bit but it only led to more questions. She was going to buy brand named clothes at a discount from a friend, then sell them to Wal-Mart. I don’t have the kind of funds to start a clothing company. “Oh don’t worry. I’m not asking you for money. I just need your credit card info. Then my uncle will transfer the money to you then you’ll give it to me.” ?_? Wait, what? The uncle will fill up my credit card like a gift card? How am I supposed to give it to you? “We’ll figure this out after” Why doesn’t he just give it to you? “Because he can’t”.


Further questions were just swatted away because she “needs the money fast”. Of course she does. Her grandmother is in need of medication so naturally time would be of the essence “My uncle is very busy. If we can’t do it this week he won’t be able to get me money in a long time.”…That’s a….very unique uncle. And that means a lot coming from me. He’s at once super generous, funding your weird idea of just selling clothing to Wal-Mart like a flea market. And yet, he’s only available right now and if we don’t act we lose it all. At this point, I asked what her uncle did. “He’s in the tyre business.” Tyre. Again, more questions were shot down.

So I lied. Whatever was clouding my mind before had dissipated. Old, logical Fel was back. I saw this for what it was. A scam. I told her I couldn’t help because I already lent whatever I had to my ill father. But, I was willing to throw a few dollars her way on Venmo if she just told me the truth. Now, she was the one filled with confusion. But it all made sense. The grandmother’s medication, what you would expect to be the ticking clock in this situation, disappeared the moment after it was mentioned. Of course it did, because it was only meant as a sympathetic hook. There is no grandmother. There is no uncle. Any business man who sells things knows you don’t just want into a store with a bunch of items and set things on a shelf to sell, especially not Wal-Mart.


I started asking the important questions. Who was she? Why was she doing this? Is she part of a group, or is it just her in this undertaking? Unfortunately, these questions were only met with profanity. Disparaging remarks. The nicest thing she said was that I was  “Your crazy!” my crazy indeed. It was certainly a bizarre reaction. You would think I had just insulted her mother, but all I did was tell her I knew it was all scam. I just wanted to know the truth. She called me stupid for even thinking I’d get an answer to that. She offered a peace treaty. “Lets video chat. Then you can see that I am real.” I’m not usually one for video chats. Anyone who has seen me can tell you that I’m not a looker. But, you know what, lets do this! I’m going all in with my chips.


And that was the last I had heard from her. She didn’t respond. She was online. We were Facebook friends. She read the message but never responded. Oh well. Shortly after that exchange, I get this email. Oh no, shortly after making a scammer mad, someone hired an assassin to come and take me out. What are the odds?! So here’s the first email I got in its entirety:

I’ll admit that I get weird emails at times but I have to admit this is certainly the most bizarre of them all. An assassin contacted me informing me that they were hired to kill me. So courteous, letting me know ahead of time. Most would just off you without giving you any chance of creating a will and saying your last words to loved ones. But not these killers. 5 Stars on Yelp, for sure! I bet their company name is something like Kourteous Killers. Just because you’re an assassin, doesn’t mean you have to be an ass.

They were also kind enough (or incompetent enough) to let me know it was a co-worker who hired them. Not who, just one. I want to be in that meeting. “I want Fel dead. Let him know it was me….wait, no. That’ll create a paper trail right back to me. I want him to know it was me, without him knowing who it is. Say co-worker. That way he knows…but also doesn’t.”

All I can say is “Finally!” After all these years of being a prick, no one has ever tried to kill me (that I know of, at least). I finally get the sweet release of death I yearn for. I want to cooperate. This is my first time being killed and I want to make sure I play my part right, lest I commit any faux pas during this murdering. But what's this murderer saying about my "sick father"? My father isn't sick. I only said that lie to the scammmmm...oh. That's who this is. Awkward. You know, normally a killer having access to intimate details of your life is supposed to scare you but in this case it's quite the opposite, instead announcing clearly who is the person sending this email. I mean, that and the fact that this email came minutes after the scammer read my message on Facebook. How much later? About as much later as it would take to set up a gmail account and write something out. 

I'm from Hawaii and if there's one thing we're known for, it's our beautiful vistas. The 2nd thing we're known for is our Aloha and I'll be damned if I'm going to make a bad first impression. I want to make sure my guest feels welcomed and is taken care of. Even if that guest is coming to kill me (or perhaps especially if that guest is coming to kill me). So I want to roll out the red carpet. I'm not sure which date they're coming over but I'll have a party platter on standby. Sorry if you come on the 10th day, it'll be somewhat mushy by then but you only gave me a rough estimate on when to expect you, killer. So it's kind of on you. Still, I'm going to be the most heart-warming and comforting murder victim this killer has ever had. I want that yelp review of me to be 5 Stars "So friendly and accommodating. 5/5 Would murder again.


And that's it. It's Day 11 and the murderer never showed up. Figures. I almost always get stood up :( Or maybe they did but they failed and ended up killing themselves. I did hear sirens yesterday. If so, you have no one to blame but yourself. I mean, an assassin announcing themselves and when their killing will be can't the most competent killer. I can only imagine my co-worker hired them off of Craig's List. Just a little tip for the next time you use someone's services, don't skimp on the price. You want quality when someone is performing a service for you. I can only review this person with a 1/5. Didn't kill me like they said. The 1 star is because they were kind enough to tell me about the whole plan.