2018’s New Year Resolutions

2018 what a year. Tide pods were in January. Black Panther was in February. Thanos snapped this year. It all feels like it happened last year. Tide pods felt like half a decade ago. Anyway, 2018 was a unique year for me. My friend Laura said something to me at the beginning of the year that really touched my heart.

            “Fel, you’re my friend.”
:_) Friend. That sure is nice to hear. Oh, she also offered a bit of advice.

            “You should focus more on yourself in 2018.”

That was really nice advice. My general practitioner/doctor echoed her sentiments when he weighed me in. 304 pounds. There was too much Fel. I needed to be less Fel. So for this year, I did something I had never done before, I made a New Year resolution. I’m kidding. I’ve mad resolutions before in the past, but I’ve never really accomplished them. In my defense, most years my resolution was “go out on a date” so you can see why I failed at that. I’m the literal personification of everything Utah hates. I’d have better luck getting a date at a KKK meeting. But this year is different. It’s all about personal growth. And by growth, I mean shrink. Weight loss. This one’s pretty typical. But losing just 1 pound this year would be pretty pathetic. So I aimed for 50 pounds. I know some might scoff at that but I don’t believe I’ve lost 50 pounds in my entire life, much less all at one time. Trust me; I’m not putting the bar on the ground just so it’s easier for me to meet.

This one’s a struggle for me.

For a few weeks, that was my only goal but I didn’t realize how superficial that was. I was focusing on my physical self. But, as another friend would point out, I had another fault in me. I know! Me having more than one failing? I thought it impossible as well! This didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. At 30 years old, I’m getting ready to settle down. I’ve accomplished some goals I’ve had since my teenage year, I’ve got a nice nest egg building and my desire for adventure has simmered down. I’ve sanded down the rough edges I’ve had since my youth.  A few years back I had a talk with a friend about marriage, we were in each other’s Top 5 in terms of marriage but, at the time, we were on different paths. Let’s see if we’re aligned a bit more since then.

I was upfront about all this with her. I know I can be a jokester, sometimes at the wrong time. But I was serious here. I just came out and told her how I felt. I’ve put some thought into this but when it comes down to it, I couldn’t imagine someone better at my side than her. We’ve been friends for quite some time; we connected better than most people I’ve met. Tackling life and growing old together would be fantastic. I told her I loved her. I don’t say that often. I really don’t. And, as pathetic as this might seem, I haven’t had someone say the same to me, not romantically. So I was eager to hear it reciprocated.

“Have you prayed about this?”

Pray? Wow, has it been a long time since I’ve been asked that. It’s not something I do, I say, but for her I would.  For the first time since…wow, it has been a long time. The last time I remember praying was back in BYU-H. I was in a similar situation, praying over a potential partner. Being given a dream of her saying yes. Things played themselves in a similar manner this time. I had a dream. Not of her saying yes but we were together. On a date. With rings on our finger. Were we married? Engaged? I’m not sure. But considering how bizarre my dreams get, the fact that this one was rather normal, clear and mundane is a good sign. I bet others didn’t expect me to pray. Hell, I didn’t expect me to. Her reaction is going to be completely off the wall.

I don’t want to toot my own horn here (that’ll come later) but I was right about the reaction. Just not quite in the way I expected.  

            “No. You’re too focused on fame and glory.”

…Huh? I was expecting more of an excitement off-the-wall reaction, not a bizarre one. I asked for clarification. I’m confused about this. I’ve never really considered myself focused on fame but maybe there was something I was missing. I was. She felt that I was more focused on myself than her.           “I’m not going to force myself to like you.” 

I’m not going to disagree with her. I know sometimes I can be a bit…Felly. A bit of a prick but it was never from a source of malice. I just always thought it would be better if I was just upfront and honest even if it hurt someone’s feelings. But she clearly didn’t feel that way. Perhaps the way I act makes it seem like I don’t care about you. That liking me isn’t natural, it’s an ordeal. I don’t want to be seen that way by my friends, or really by anyone. So, I asked for particulars. I want to improve. Point me in the right direction. This will be another goal for the year.    

            “This is something you have to do on your own. You don't need my help…You are just being lazy. Men looking for an excuse to change and aren't self-motivated are babies”

Ok, harsh words, they were angry words but honest. I like honesty. It’s not quite the point in the right direction I was hoping for. “I see what you cannot because you aren't even opening your eyes! So quit whining and get a move on.” I need to open my eyes. She might be mad and frustrated with me today, but at the end of the year, I’ll be the better person she wants me to be.

Ok, so let’s take a look at me. Don’t worry; I won’t post a picture of myself. It’s a metaphorical look, so we can avoid the bloody eyes. She said I knew what that looked like. The fame and glory focus, I think I know what that is. The youtube channel. To be fair, calling that fame and glory would be more of a joke, the Lets Play channel got 33 subscribers before it died and 3 of those were us in front of the camera. But there is my personal youtube. I kind of just put random things up there but it did grow far faster than I expected. It went from a handful to thousands to whatever it is now. She probably thinks that I care more about that than her. You know what. It’s gone. I’m serious about improving and if you think that the youtube makes me a worse person, I’ll step away from it. But that’s only part of it. It can’t be just the youtube thing. She thinks I’m uncaring. That I care more of some online fame more than her. I have to be more caring. Be there for friends, or just be there for people in general. I think I’ve cracked the case! So, while I might not know the specifics, I should look to improve on this in addition to my weight. Hopefully, by the end of the year, she’ll be able to see a difference in me. Not an “Ok, now I’ll marry you” kind of resolution but more “You really do care and you made an effort to improve when needed. I was wrong about you. I feel comfortable coming to you for anything.” This is a tough goal to measure because, well, being a better person is pretty vague. But I’ll figure out a way.

So, that’s where I put my focus. I can’t tell you how many small changes I made to my diet. I went from sandwiches, pizza and whatevers to a disciplined diet. By that, I mean, I bought a variety of various health foods from different brands. I went from sodas and junk juice to 100% fruit, with the weekend being the cheat days. From there, I got rid of the cheat days. I’ve cut back on the fruit juices when weight loss slowed, switched over to vanilla almond milk (good stuff). I hit the gym more often. Cut back on the almond milk, switch to more water and crystal light for less calories. Its boring stuff but it’s tough to go from eating and drinking a certain way your entire life to completely different things (evidently, vegetables are a thing and required. I thought they were there just to add color to a burger).

I also helped people out. I became more caring. I reached out more often than I ever would. I checked in on people. Opened my heart and wallet to help solve the problems of others. To some people, I was more annoying. But I’d like to think that even the Pope or Jesus would look at me and think “tone it down, motherfucker.”

Things weren’t always smooth sailing. October/November was particularly difficult. I hadn’t lost any weight, I was just steady there. I was 8 pounds away from goal and only had a scant month left on the calendar. I needed to lose double what I was previously doing. I got a death threat against my life because I didn’t give a scammer my money. My good friend Dan, one of the trio on the abandoned youtube channel, took his life. It certainly was disheartening. I was failing. Losing weight, being more giving and how caring can I be if I was completely blindsided by the loss of a friend? Without a doubt, this was the lowest point of the year for me. But my close friends were there for me. They told me to not be discouraged. Make a few more changes. My friend Jake conferred with me over the course of the funeral, a talk that let me know what kind of pain he was in. His mother even let me know that he saw me as a close friend. Dan had 4 close friends. 3 of them have been friends since childhood, the early 90s. And then, there’s me. A roommate he formed a connection with in 2011. I may not have been there for a lot of his life. But I definitely had a positive impact. It meant a lot to me. As for the death threats, well, the voice inside me, who sounds like a person from Brooklyn despite the fact that I’ve never met someone from there, had some words of wisdom.

            “Fel, do you really believe that only one person wants you dead? C’mon. You’ve had people threatening you your entire life, whether it’s because you’re black, you hit on their girl/sister, or you just existed, which is kind of like the black thing only without racism. Either you’re the luckiest son-of-a-bitch alive, and you’re not because you’re black and live in Utah, or your assassins are more incompetent than our elected representatives.”

And he’s right.

            “Of course, I’m right. Besides, wouldn’t you much rather die than continue your miserable existence in Utah?”

You know what, that’s a good point. That assassin is a real asshole, letting me get my hopes up like that and not following through. What’s this world coming to?!

So entered December. Battered, bruised but I was still in the game. So, let’s check in on the goals. Did I lose the 8 pounds needed? No. I lost 9. Boom! I don’t think I have ever lost that much weight in such a short amount of time, ever! So, weight loss goal met! We’re 1 for 2. What about the other one?

Engaged? :O Fel wouldn’t, would he? He is a writer so he might announce it like this. That crazy son of a bitch. Well, you know me. I’m the universe’s one true constant. So of course there’s no engagement. But that wasn’t the point! The point was to become a better Fel. We have to check in with our resident Felxpert.

            “?”

She couldn’t recall what I was talking about nor did any moments spring to mind for her. Her scathing indictment, a constant reminder of my goal, has been in my mind for the entire year. And it was all a….

“Of course she lied to you, ya mook!”

Brooklyn Bro?

“I ain’t your brotha.”

You only pop up to protect my mind from crumbling. So, she must have-

“Hey, I’m talkin here! Listen, she lied to you. She, like all those other Mormon women you tried to date, lied.”

But….but, she’s my friend.

“Friend? You don’t have friends. You have people who tolerate you.”
No…friend?

“No. Remember what that rando Utah Chick essentially said, women aren’t friends here. There’s dating and there’s nothing. Friendship between the sexes doesn’t exist here in Utah. That bullshit only happens in pansy-ass liberal states.”
Aren’t you from a liberal state?

“Don’t make this about me.”
So, was this all for nothing then?

            “Nah dawg. I mean, you helped people right? Look at your housemate. You saw that guy crying one day and asked what was wrong. You found out his father was on his death bed and this roommate didn’t have the money to go up to Canada to see him. You gave him that money. Nothing done today will be able to give him that moment again. You stepped up when he had no one else to turn to. That means something.”

Yeah, I guess it wasn’t all for nothing. You’re right. So what if this was all a lie. I made some positive impact in people’s lives. Thanks for the perspective Brooklyn Bro.
            “Hey, bada bing, bada boom”
This feels borderline offensive.

            “Your face is offensive.”

You know what, that’s fair.

Originally, the first draft of this had a more somber tone to it. Did I accomplish my goal? Did I fail? I wasn’t sure what hurt more. That everything I did was based on a lie or that someone I trusted so much did so to me. But whatever depression I felt when first typing this out has dissipated. Maybe I just needed to get it out of me so I could flush it out of my system. So I scraped that draft and started anew. I’m looking at this with new eyes and realize that the “why I improved” doesn’t matter. Whether based on a lie or not, those people were still helped. My housemate still was able to travel up to Canada to see his father one last time before he passed on. My friend is still living in a home instead of possibly out on the street. Everything else that was done, that’s still positive change. This isn’t sad. Yeah, sure, some chick lied to me but that’s not surprising. I mean, that’s happened so much that people are starting to get tired of hearing me complain about it. Believe me, I feel your pain. It’s not just old telling it, its old living it. So, that’s my 2018. Not sure what 2019 holds. Probably more of the same. I’m willing to hear your predictions though. So let’s hear them.