My 2020 Retrospective

I wrote this out. Edited it a bit. Still don’t really like it. I feel like this is sub-par in terms of quality. “So…about the same as everything else you write?” I mean, sub-par compared to everything else I write. But, hey, I wrote it so let me just put it up here. If you skip it, that's fine, no harm done and if you read it and find that it sucks at least it’s apt given what happened this past year.

Considering how crazy 2020 started, my 2020 was actually really tame in comparison. I saw Sonic the Hedgehog with my friend Mari. It was fine. Kind of an average family movie but enjoyable. Considering how most movies based on video games tend to be terrible, the fact that the last two I’ve seen have been decent is a nice trend. Here’s hoping that Mario movie Illumination is working on turns out to be good. And that’s pretty much it in terms of outside adventures. With the virus forcing all of us into lockdown, I didn’t have to go outside much. Don’t get me wrong, I normally don’t. But now I have an excuse not to. Being Fel was now patriotic and boy was I going to be the most patriotic patriot I can be. I fully expected my yearly review to end here. Sorry things were boring but better that than filled with sorrow, am I right? Whelp, the universe had other plans. If I wasn’t going out to find the crazy of Utah then it would simply have to bring the crazy to me.

 

The first new housemate we got I want to call Patrick Star. His name was Patrick and he had me asking “what rock did he crawl out of?” I should’ve known something was a bit off about him. He was a truck driver and it was just at that time when we hit lockdown. So I thanked him for his service and he remarked that this clearly beat working in an office. “I hated being so PC in the office. Being a driver all by myself is way better”…ok… I remember walking out of my room for dinner only to find my old housemate (the hoarder) bleaching every counter top we had in the kitchen. “Be careful” he told me. “Pat was cooking chicken for dinner and he had didn’t wash his hands after preparing the chicken. I’m not sure what he did and didn’t touch so I’m just cleaning everything.”. Whelp, maybe one of those PC things he hates is germ theory. I thought Pat was the worst of it all but I was wrong (“as usual” I can hear the voice in my head say). Pat was merely the appetizer to the true crazy that would follow.

 

I should’ve known something was off just from being introduced to my next housemate. He was kicked out of his father and step-mom’s house in the middle of a pandemic. I thought maybe his parents were just absolutely heartless. I asked if he was an only child and so staying with a sibling was out of the question. “My siblings hate me”…Ok…Blunt but at least there’s no way to misinterpret that. One of the first things I learned is that he moved to Utah from Los Angeles and, hey, so did I. So I asked him what he did in L.A. “I used to act in movies.” Oh cool. What movies were you in? “I can’t tell you.”…

“Also, I acted under a different name so you can’t look me up.” Oh. Porn. I mean, don’t get me wrong. You do what you gotta do to put a roof over your head and food on the table. No judgment here. Especially because if he did work in porn it would still be the most tame thing about him. (If I had to guess, he was probably a background actor but I would actually pay money to NOT see him naked). Just imagine your average middle-aged white dude with a beer belly and you’ve pictured him.

 

I’d soon discover a bit why he tends to repel people, even his own siblings. I’m not entirely sure how to describe the crazy within him without just listing the insane conspiracy theories he’s told me:

 

He’s anti-vaccine and thinks the new one will change your DNA and turn you into an idiot (I guess he already took it). It’ll make it easier for Bill Gates to control you. Why Bill Gates would want to control just a casual Wal-Mart Associate, that’s anyone’s guess.

 

Rothschild and global cabals. I’m not entirely sure exactly what kind of global cabal this is or what their end goal is. I’ll admit I was busy playing a game while he talked about this one so was only half paying attention. Now he knows how my parents felt when dealing with Teenage Felipe.

 

He is connected to just about everyone. “I have family and friends all over. I’m related to George Bush and Bill Gates. Mitt Romney is my ancestor” (I think he means relative. Unless he’s claiming to be Mitt’s child or grandchild. Or maybe we’re going super crazy and he’s actually from the future.) His friend (won’t tell me who) is connected to Kanye and Kim. “I talk to Donald Trump. He takes my advice at times. Like, I told him to get out of the World Health Organization and he did” Oh, wow. So do you work in politics? Are you part of his campaign here in Utah? “No, I work at Wal-Mart.” He also claimed that it was his idea to fire Fauci and Trump listened. This one was odd because, unlike the WHO, Fauci was still employed by the government at the time. It’s like failing an open-book history test. For a guy who works at Wal-Mart, he is unbelievably connected. He has siblings that are doctors and they tell him all about the crazy medical stuff. That’s where he gets his knowledge from. As for their names or their medical positions, he won’t say “I protect my sources and keep them anonymous.” I asked if these are the same siblings that hate and never talk to him and he said no.

 

He asked me what my plan was for when they made cash worthless. I told him I didn’t use cash, it was all plastic for me. “No, I mean, in October they’re going to take everyone’s money away. How are you going to pay rent then?”…I guess I would hope our landlord is Bi and he’s cool with brown dudes? I don’t know. For the record, that was supposed to happen in October of 2020. So, not only was he wrong but he was also interviewing for a job at an Amazon Warehouse at the time (he got the job, FYI). An odd thing to do when you think all money is going to be made obsolete but at this point I knew that any further questions would only make the conversation last longer and I just wanted to get back to playing Tony Hawk at this point so I just let it all slide.

 

That’s just kind of the tip of the crazy. “Oh Fel, like you didn’t believe crazy stuff when you were his age!” I can’t say I did because I haven’t reached his age yet. He’s 39.

Again, a lot of times he’ll converse with me while I’m in the middle of something. Our housemate thinks he might be schizophrenic but I think that’s just him being nice. He’s just a dumbass and probably a chronic liar. He’s the first person I’ve ever met that seems to miss the toilet. “All guys miss when aiming, Fel.” Thanks. I know that. I’m a guy. That’s not what I was talking about. “…Number 2?” Yeah. It’s on the outside of the bowl, I even found one outside the bath tub, no idea how it got there. I don’t even get how you miss. I mean, you’re sitting down. Very little aiming required. I had to ask my buddy Cory about this. Maybe Cory’s answer will be something illuminating like: “Fel, you have to understand. There’s a reason there’s hardly any white people playing basketball.  And your housemate as revealed a fundamental flaw within us. We suuuuuuck at aiming. Even if we’re sitting down, it’s a crapshoot whether we can get our turds in the toilet. We can only apologize and ask for you to be patient with us.” And, if that was the answer, I’d legit feel bad. I didn’t know that stereotype was real. I can sympathize. Black people have their “bad swimmers” trait and I tried my best not to fall into that trap but I’m just terrible at it. I can only float slowly from one end of a pool to another.

 

Anyway, so that’s kind of it for the crazy. I do have one more housemate that moved in but he’s a bit average and thus boring to talk about so let’s skip him. In years past I’d have to go outside to see it but 2020 evidently felt that I needed a minimum level of the stuff in my life so it had crazy move in with me. I don’t want to end things on a sour note though. Its 2021 so lets be positive for this last little bit.

 

August of 2020 marked my family’s 30 year anniversary of living in America. We moved to Provo in 1990. I had my buddy, Jake, drive me over to Wymount Terrace, the BYU Married Student Housing Apartments where I spent time growing up. Considering how Utah is constantly changing, it’s surprising how little has changed with where I grew up. Aside from a big administration building where there once was an open field, everything else seemed remarkable identical to how it was nearly 30 years ago. Or, at least, how I remembered it was 30 years ago.

 

I had 3 resolutions for 2020.

 

1. I got new glasses. I know it doesn’t seem like a big thing but I’ve had essentially the same type of glasses since the 2000s. So I figured why not start 2020 with an eye exam and replacing the old with something new? The round, brown of old you see in most of my pictures have now been replaced with new black and square. Perfect. Just like me.

 

B. I saw the dentist. It had been over half a decade since I last went. Got my teeth whitened (now they’re only a slight shade of yellow). Remarkably, I only had one small cavity.

 

$. I (mostly) stuck to my diet. In years past, I gave myself the goal of losing 50 pounds. 2018 I went from 304 to 255. 2019 had me lose another 50, down to 203. 2020 was a bit tougher, since the gyms were closed for most of it and, even when they weren’t; it certainly wasn’t a safe space to be. But I managed to get down to 154. I wasn’t aiming for 50 but I got it. Even when it comes to losing weight, I’m incredibly consistent and boring about it. It also means that this new Fel now has 50% less fat in it while still maintaining most of its flavor. Now that’s a good way to end 2020. I’m just not sure what I should strive for in 2021. Any suggestions?