More from Conspiracy

 

“Bezos and I are going to have a house right next to each other. Hear about that?”

Imagine being the richest person on the planet and having Conspiracy right next door. I feel like that right there lowers the property value.

 

“You guys want my money for re-election, you need to be against the ban of tiktok.”

 

Oh no. Not the…handful of dollars he gives. What money? I just imagine him calling and the person on the other line going “I’m sorry. Who?”

 

“Letitia James is going to jail. So is Engoron. So is Amanda.”

 

I guess we moved on from Earthquakes. I don’t know who Amanda is.

 

“I’m a partial owner of Vanderbilt University. Along with Anderson Cooper. He’s one of my relatives.”

 

I think at this point, the list of people he isn’t related to will be shorter.

 

“I can get an honorary degree from Vanderbilt, then I’ll never have to worry about anything ever again.”

 

Is that how it works? Is my BYU-H degree defective? Or is it only Vanderbilt degrees that give you these magic anti-anxiety powers?

 

“She won’t be able to get pregnant in 2 years. She’s 29.”

 

I don’t know who he’s talking about. He’s talking about moving to Tennessee and how someone lives there and he might run into her in the city. Nashville isn’t a small city. I know movies make it seem like you run into each other every single day.

 

“Eminem liked my rhyming, didn’t he? ‘Damn skinny. My n-word mother from another mother. Damn. Blake shut down the whole house here.’ He laughed a lot, didn’t he?”

 

That doesn’t even sound like Eminem. It sounds like someone idea of Eminem who has never heard of the guy besides “white dude who raps”.

 

And now he’s mad at DoorDash.

 

“I make companies billions of dollars! I am a very powerful individual. Get this shit fixed!”

Man, how pathetic. Like, not even a “Do you know how much money I have?” but flexing the fact that he makes companies a lot of money.

 

“Fine, I’ll just make deliveries for Uber instead.”

 

Oh, this was him trying to drive around for Door Dash, not order something. I wonder how he goes from “living next door to the richest person on Earth” to “I have deliver to make ends meet.”. Surely there’s some dissonance there in his mind, right? It’s like that meme:

 

1.Do stuff

 

2.???

 

3. Profit.

 

“I hate the damn snow. I told you I don’t like it. So cut it the fuck out!”

 

So, he’s not to happy about it snowing but who is he complaining…wait, is he complaining to god? Is that a thing?

 

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